Dear AD, It seems cliched, but forgiving one’s own self if certainly more difficult than forgiving others… Everyday I whip myself (metaphorically) when I am not able to be what the world wants me to be, a seemingly normal human being. I belong to those 1% of the world who stutter their voices out to the world and tries desperately to be normal. The stab of pretending to be “normal” everytime feels very gruesome and lacerating…its akin to the dilemma of an impostor priest who has found service in the feet of God, in a temple and lacks the bhakti…his entire life is spoilt in the false pretence of bhakti and his is the greatest deceit because he decieved himself and, therefore, attained neither material nor spiritual… Your sentences are usually pithy and terse…can you explain how to gain the courage to rise to the grace of being what I am, a stutterer…the courage to forgive and be at peace with myself… Moses had asked God not to give him the responsibility to talk to the King, for he was “slow of speech”…the pain in there is immense…trying to force your words out…. Yours, KN
The cause of pain – Anger and guilt. The forgiveness mostly helps you deal with anger but the guilt or at times anger towards self needs a different tool which you are inquiring about indirectly.
The guilt is only a personal indicator of the eternal fact that the way man is… he is imperfect or better asleep or way far from his own projected ideals. Yet this emotional state is of value if it can act as a trigger for an endeavour of discovering your true self… That true self is not the one which you project yourself to be; neither it is that state which you are hopeful of achieving someday in future nor it conforms to the ideals others project on you. The ideals and projections are simply borrowed and psychological tactic of your lower-mind to engage you in the activities of improving upon personality. But remember personality is not your true self.
The man who strives to inflate the volume of his personality is infected with what I call AIDS; Arrogance, Ignorance, Delusion & Selfishness because he is simply polishing the surface for better shine unconcerned or ignorant (or both) about the core gross material which extends till the surface. The forgiveness towards self can be an escapist’s approach too yet if everything else is ok it may be an action due to acute frustration arising out of consistent failures in keeping with the ideals. Keep in mind – Ideals are borrowed.
There is no question of forgiveness towards self or anyone unless we expected an improved behaviour or response from someone. In its roots desire for improvement is hidden. At the first place if there was complete acceptance (which comes only when you completely know yourself – Not just through self-analysis or self-study) and no expectation of improvement then there was no question of forgiveness either.
Why do you think of improving yourself? Just because others aren’t happy with you the way you are? And even if you harbour the feelings that you are well above that mentality and that you aren’t happy with your own action or attitude for they are far far away from your own ideals then let me tell you that true ideals not learnt through study of sociology and anthropology or even by means of taking clue from someone’s responses caused by your action or words. The true ideals are born out of or better use the word “revealed” by your experience of your “True self”. But how do we get to know our true self?
Niraj, Meditation is the key… you need to meditate for only when you are able to drop your ego and still be watchful real understanding of your inner world is attained. When I say Meditation people are tempted to jump and sit cross-legged, close their eyes and start watching their breath. I tell you this is not meditation because meditation requires some preparation forehand. These little but critical things are revealed to Sadhakas in “Tattva Shakti Vigyaan Initiation”. For example it calls for upkeep of your physical body in a way a Sadhaka or a seeker should. The cleansing of your energy body and removal of blockages precedes it only then you can work on your mind-body. My way of taking someone on the path of meditation is step by step not the conventional method of directly jumping in that process. By jumping in to meditation it is impossible to stabilize your mind albeit some relaxation can definitely be achieved as you cut-off your senses from their objects of pleasure.
You say “I belong to those 1% of the world who stutter their voices out to the world and tries desperately to be normal. The stab of pretending to be “normal” every time feels very gruesome and lacerating…” Its alright. There is nothing wrong with this feeling because it only indicates you have still not moved beyond thought. Your state of being is dependent on your thoughts.. and their quality. It is not that only YOU are pretending to be normal even the most normal persons are just pretending… their pretentions are not even skin deep and if you don’t trust my words – just scratch them a bit and you would be amazed to see what oozes out and how quickly that holy state of being evaporates. So relax, you are anyways OK. Or if you want to grow beyond thoughts – learn to be home.
Just don’t go by the degree, quality and categorization of pretentions and you would know your estimation of 1% too tiny to be able to accommodate that group of which you think to be part of. Only 1 out of a million may not be pretending. So even that is alright!
But everyone wants to be labeled with some great adjectives… sincere, honest, straight-forward, faithful and so on.. Everyone wants a grand title… even if that be of “Self-accepting”.
A certain conqueror said to Mulla Nasrudin: “Mulla, all the great men of the past had honorific titles with the name of God in them: there was, for instance, God-Gifted, and God-Accepted, and so on.
How about some such name for me?”
“God Forbid,” said Nasrudin.
Niraj, you definitely succeeded in forcing some words out. (laughs)
– Ach. Agyaatdarshan