I am delighted to read your post. Much of what Perry has written seems to be true. I cannot recall a time when I was not anxious.
With distress surrounding my life, I went towards religion and spirituality. Prayed, meditated, and did a lot of things but nothing seems to work. I started with Ramdev ji’s pranayama only to find myself bursting with energy and my chest even more tight and throat more choked than ever.
I have been doing it regardless for over a month now only to feel a little pain in my solar plexus area and the pain in my knees and discomfort level increasing.
I have come to understand from your posts that there is something amiss and merely reading blogs/watching videos and practising is not enough.
My only question is, since I was doing only anuloma viloma (only 4-5 minutes of kapalbhati before that to easen my chest. Anuloma viloma was done for 20-25 minutes diligently), I was doing nadi shodhana in only and should not have created problems for myself.
At this juncture of time, I am battling the gravest crisis of my life, as the fight seems to be with my own self, which is the most difficult to sustain.
Almost on the verge of drowning, I wish I were to live a day, which sages have extolled as the state of expanded conciousness. I don’t know, but I think I can intuitively judge the pleasure of living with an expanded conciousness.
I have decided that now onwards, I will practice the most easy form of vipassana, as prescribed in some texts, which is just being a mute spectator to the reactions in your body.
I have almost given up because I find every guru so inaccessible.
One of my disciple friend forwarded me a post (I would rather call it outburst and attempt to contempt) which named “I hate Baba Ramdev”. I know that my friend would have been expecting me to be delighted reading someone almost being abusive in his language towards Baba.. but he probably misunderstood. People mostly infer wrongly when someone honestly attempts to teach and profess correct methods, philosophies and techniques.. as it may seem, but I am not against any Baba, Guru or Maharaj, I am just trying to educate people on the subject so that they can act wisely in exercising their right of choice! This was just off the topic..
Coming back to your issues; Niraj, distress in life can be caused by idealism, ambition, inability to let go, absence of appreciation for what we have and lack of acceptance for life’s unpredictability.
And as I see there is no difference between the one who falls for drugs and the one who chooses religion, albeit the later one is bit less harmful to one’s body however unfortunately, since you engaged yourself in Yog unprepared you found yourself sufferring even after turning towards religion – the less harmful choice physically.
People who suffer from stress and depression should not engage themselves in Pranayama etc. because they are anyways having turbulance and erratic currents in their energies and boost of this agitated energy can cause them permanant physical damage as well. But what to do? There is so much praise of Yog around and in the name of Yog some breathing techniques… Patanjali would be laughing at us as to what we have made out of his proposed divine discipline..
It is good you have taken a decision to refrain from Pranayam yet knowing the condition you are in mentally and physically, I would suggest you to take complete break from all sorts of meditations and inner observation for some time. Two to three weeks just take life easily.. drop the ambition of expanding and inflating the balloon of your consciousness or searching the center of your being. Try socializing, go engage yourself in some healthy entertainment like theatre, music and art. Do something creative which you wanted to do so far and could not…howsoever little time you can.
Pick up a brush and few bottles of colors and paint the canvas with whatever comes to your mind. Don’t bother with what comes out of that actvity and don’t judge your paintings.. just allow yourself to play with colors. Go, have a morning walk in the park.. talk to trees, share your secrets and agony with them, I am sure they will empathize with you. I wish you better understand what they are telling you and how the are consoling you for God speaks to us through His creation. Let the birds sing the songs to you and thank them. Greet your vegetable vendor, richshaw-puller, milkman or paanwallah with reverence, relate to them, just talk to them and try understaning what kind of issues and challenges they are having in their lives. Give a pack of biscuits to a road side child, wait for his smile and if that doesn’t come give him one more… one more..
Niraj, you are vulnerable as of now. Your state of mind and being is very fragile at this moment.. you need to treat yourself with right things instead of exherting in self-discovery. Meditate on this story by Chuang Tzu –
There was a man
who was so disturbed
by the sight of his own shadow
and so displeased
with his own footsteps,
that he determined to get rid of both.
The method he hit upon was
to run away from them.
So he got up and ran.
But everytime he poot his foot down
there was another step,
while his shadow kept up with him
without the slightest difficulty.
He attributed his failure
to the fact
that he was not running fast enough.
So he ran faster and faster,
until he finally dropped dead.
He failed to realize
that if he merely stepped into the shade,
his shadow would vanish,
and if he sat down and stayed still,
there would be no more footsteps.
Surprisingly solutions to most complicated problems are extremely simple, and at times all you need to do is – relax, sit back and enjoy of your being (not breathing) rather than ushering yoursef to rigorous disciplines.
Take life easy.. once you gain strength all the masters shall be accessible to you. You can take my words!