Why do I fear coming close to people? – Lina R.
Lina, the fear of being close to someone especially to opposite sex is very common. It can even haunt while interacting with people of same gender. Since you ask this question to me I would be presenting you the inside out analysis of this fear, may be a point of view which has not been explored so far.
The fear of intimacy, this is what technically it may be referred to has some basic reasons psychologically but if someone is fearing so much as to avoid even eye contact definitely needs theraputic treatment of this phobia. This phobia can be a definitive deterrent to your personal and spiritual growth and needs to be tackled in the same way as a doctor would treat a person’s tuberculor infection.
“Abhay” is a state which a seeker must achieve if one is serious about one’s own growth. So what if you are not a seeker There are innumerable number of reasons for this fear ranging from past life trauma to social fear of scandals. Excessive perversion, too many “DONTs” in life to lack of self-control can also cause this state but mostly people suffer from this phobia because they feel as if they would do something, indulge in something which will not have pleasant consequences.
If I have to compare it with something more tangible I would compare it with the the fear of drowing. You refrain stepping in water for the fear of death and depth. Needless to say that if you have gone through an experience of partial drowining sometimes in your past this fear would be worse. You would tremble and feel breathless just by the sight of water body. This is exactly the same situation when you face a person. You are fearing to be drowned. You are fearing your death. And what excatly is your death in closer interactions with a person? It is fear of death of your own self-image. You fear that you would do something/say something which will be devastating. That act or gesture might rob you of your sane self-image. Right? The fear is intense when you think of one to one interaction away from public. Why?
Now, the fear of water is best overcome when you choose to jump in a pool albeit feeling secure due to presence of your swimming coach but who wold be your coach here while you interact with a person? I know you would have access to many of articles and guidelines on how to conduct yourself while interacting with others so that you can feel safe and secure but the fact is all these techniques are cosmetic because they keep the disease and deal with symptoms. But I say – You will have to become your own coach.
The disease is in you, your mental make up, your experiences and your own inflated scary imaginations. This isn’t anything new you may say but when I say you fear your own self than the other you might want to know more about it. And in reality there is no fear from the other person, you fear youself. But what exactly?
The basic reasons for this fear are “Perversion” and inability to express and receive love. For majority perversion may be skewed preference or inordinate behaviour in sexual domain but for me it is about disapproving the urge itself. When you tend to disapprove your sexual urge it keeps piling up within and reaches a stage where you may explode any moment. While some may argue that fear of intimacy is not always about fear of sexual intimacy but the fact is there is no fear otherwise. What else it can be? When you have suppressed it so much it takes form of a subtle violence in your behaviour – it can make you dry, rude, irritable or even violant. You realize you have been holding it so cautiously so far but then situations may lead to loss of control and then what? You are definitely not ready to take the consequences so better keep off.
Most of us feel we need love but the fact is we are not open to it. We feel love is something which we receive from someone ‘special’.. more correctly ‘your someone special’ thus we block ourselves to this energy which is otherwise availale so freely to us. Different hues and shades which we could have experienced are no more existent for us and thus when at any moment if we feel the flow of ‘love energy’ towards us we feel offended. We dont know what to do in such a situation because we have attuned ourselves to only two responses. Either be so intimate as to make love or become violant, rude or angry. Both of these consequences with a stranger are not welcome thus you prefer to keep off.
There are many other psychological reasons for fear of intimacy but these can be best understood with self-awareness. There are certain meditative exercises which are done alone and some are done in groups. These exercises and meditativeness with which we aproach these techniques open ourselves up. Commonly I have seen that there is a sense of directionlessness among people but when they are able explore their innner cosmos well the cleaning of piled up stuff happens automatically. And once you are unburdened and a kind of catharisis has taken place you are filled with renewed enthusiasm and curiosity for new opportunities of interactions with others without any fear.
You can definitely overcome this fear Lina, all it needs is earnest and deep self-inquiry. May you have courage to take a plung.
Love and Light