Question: I am finding love to be painful. Why?
AD: So far you read and have been told by the enlightened ones, the philosophers and teachers of universality that “The love is what constitutes this universe. It’s each and every grain is made up of this love energy. It is love which keeps your life ticking and your heart throbbing. It is love which heals..” Is it?
In the name of love a lot goes on around us.. possessing, manipulating, ditching, backbiting, cheating, heartbreak, blackmailing, calling it off, revenge, suicide and even murder… Yet the dudes and damsels would not tire putting their hands on heart to vouch and express their conviction of this emotion to be roaring in their hearts. It is not that they are completely wrong.. They are definitely experiencing something within which was never felt before. They are right it is very strong and overwhelming and they are right that they feel a great comfort and soothing when they are in company of a person whom they desire. Take note of the word ‘desire’ and you would know desiring is being taken as love. Desires and joy are like darkness and light..
Desiring someone is merely a psychological and physiological phenomenon.. (although it has potential of having ) but intrinsically it has no spiritual flavour in itself. Love is an emotion which is felt when you wish to give, serve, surrender, accept.. rather than want. Difficult!
Have you seen? The fights between two people being in so called love? These fights are about receiving attention, sweet responses, pampering and admiration. This is a pathetic situation and definite indicator of the fact that there is no love only desires and more desires and expectations being imposed on each other. And when you don’t receive.. you are pained. Isn’t it?
Humans’ prime nature is to desire and desire is seat of pain. It is said by some western philosopher somewhere that “Life is a swing which keeps oscillating between pain and boredom.” The pain is the outcome when your desires are not met and boredom is the result of fulfilled desires. He is absolutely right from his perspective. If you see life as means to be in relationships, material acquisition and as a trip to fulfill your desires, please your senses and ego it can never be otherwise. Think again if your love is about these? If it is – it can not give you anything else than pain or boredom.
With your kind of love comes possessiveness and jealousy. But why? The possessiveness is the result of insecurity. Insecurity is the result of wish for permanence. Jealousy is the result of possessiveness. Both of these negative emotions are rooted in the fear of loss and being unaware. These two feed on your “Whys” and “What ifs”. If you are in pain, look at your thought process and you would find.. deep down you are not sure, you don’t trust the feeling of love any more. Can you be sure of his or her so called love in this moment? Looks impossible? There is no respite then.
A step above all the love relationship.. only in rarest of instances where love is not presumed to be prelude to a marital relationship it has a tint of freedom and sacrifice yet there is a pitfall; Sooner or later it may prove to be the greatest aid to allow people to become non-committal and instrumental in dumping the whole relationship completely. Such a relationship can not exist unless there is common spiritual goal of self-discovery associated with it. The keyword here is meditative consciousness, acceptance and selfless-service to avoid pain. Can you do it? If not then pain is unavoidable.
All so called love relationships have potential of turning the lover to love but then there are hardly any relationships to name. The unnamed bond of trust, faith and becoming the source of abundant joy is the outcome. You can melt the stone with love.. but who wants to? All of us prefer to be stone instead, dry, thirsty and ever ready to absorb the available doses of nectar called love instead of being source.
Someone somewhere wrote.. Pain is not the enemy.. it is the guide to your transformation. I add transformation is not about how you treat others.. it is about how you deal with yourself.
Keep trying.. continue to discover together with your companion in meditative awareness.. dont give up.. do not blame.. do not feel low.. soon you will see a flame, a light source.. an aroma within. Then there would be no pain.
You can not love someone.. the only choice, the only possibility is that you become love.
– Agyaat Darshan